MAO
by bekeyboo
Summary: This is the game of MAO. MAO is the game of life. Life has many rules, and even if you do not know the rules, you will be punished for not knowing the rules. I, Emmett Cullen, am MAO and let the game of MAO begin, with all of my siblings, plus Nessie.
1. Round One

**This is both drabble-y and OOC (especially Bella). Not your cup of tea, don't read.**

Round 1

BPOV

Emmett was bored. That was never a good thing. Ever. _Ever. _ Not even in a parallel universe. Emmett + Boredom= insanity or bodily harm. It was just a fact of my new life.

Suddenly, Alice laughed. She was laughing so hard at first I thought she was crying. If she was a human, she would be crying, or crack a rib, which would hurt, and end crying.

"Okay, okay, this is priceless. We have a new game to play... go to the living room.. in five minutes, he'll have found it. I hope... 'cause that is funny stuff..." And she burst out laughing once more. "Edward?" she said to him, across the room, "Don't read Emmett's mind for the next couple of hours or I will personally torch your Volvo." He nodded, unsure of why Alice made this specific request.

So, like good little ducklings, in five minutes, we went to the living room. Like a little bitty duckling acts around Emmett. Scared for our lives... or at least our sanity.

"THIS IS THE GAME OF MAO," Emmett said dramatically, and WAYYY louder then he needed to. Like if a human was trying to talk to another human across... eh... a football field.

"COOL," I screamed back.

"Sit in a circle, duckies. It is time... to play... MAO," Suspiciously, all of us plopped down next to our mate... and some other guy. Or was he my mate... no, his hair is blond. It's all good.

"Um, Emmett, sweetie, how do we PLAY the game of MAO?" Rosalie asked.

Emmett looked at her impassively.

"This is the game of MAO. MAO is the game of life. Life has many rules, and even if you do not know the rules, you will be punished for not knowing the rules. I am MAO and let the game of MAO begin," Emmett said mysteriously.

"Cool, how do we play?" Jasper asked.

"This is the game of MAO. MAO is the game of life. Life has many rules, and even if you do not know the rules, you will be punished for not knowing the rules. I am MAO and let the game of MAO begin," Emmett repeated.

"Guys, cool it. Basically, Emmett gets to make up rules at the beginning of each round if he wins," I told everyone.

"I'm out," said Edward.

"See ya," said Alice.

"Hunting," said Jasper.

"Sorry Emmett, I don't love you THAT much," said Rosalie.

"EVERYBODY GET YOUR BUTTS DOWN HERE. NOW OR I WILL CALL ESME. I MEAN IT," I screamed at Jasper's retreating back. Like a magnet, everyone was drawn back to their seats. "Good. MAO is an awesome game. I've played it, like, eight zillion times on sleepovers."

"You don't know Emmett," Rosalie snapped.

"You don't know Mao," I retorted, and Rosalie shut up. "Any other backsass?"

"Your hair looks like a cat chewed it. Did you and Eddiekins get naughty last night?" Emmett wasn't standing far enough away. I would have broken his face if he were a human. I may have broken it even though he's a vampire.

"No innuendos on my sex life, got it?" Emmett nodded.

"Yes... yes... yes... um... ma'am..."

"This is the game of MAO. MAO is the game of life. Life has many rules, and even if you do not know the rules, you will be punished for not knowing the rules. I am MAO and let the game of MAO begin," Emmett said mysteriously to start the game. We were all seated, and he dealt everyone six cards except me, to whom he dealt seven.

"Why did you give ME seven, this is SO unfair!" I said.

"NO backsassing MAO, that was your punishment for backsass and your backhand. Ow." Emmett said.

The game began.

The basic rules are pretty simple. The objective is to run out of cards. To play a card, you must match the number or suit of the card played before. Kind of like UNO.

Then there are a bunch of rules that Emmett, as MAO, makes up before the start of each round, but doesn't tell us what they are. However, if we don't follow the unknown rules, we get a penalty card. To win the game, you have either figured out the rules, or you are really, really, really lucky.

I put down a six of spades.

Emmett gave me two cards. "You didn't tackle yourself OR stand on Alice and sing Rubber Ducky You're the One with the dance!" **(look at bottom for Emmett's rules unless you want to figure them out on your own)**

This was gonna be a longgggg game.

Jasper put down a six of hearts, and tackled me.

Jasper was given three cards. "You don't need to tackle Bella, a cruel and unusual punishment. But you didn't even bow down to me, MAO or kiss yourself. Screw you and love these cards." Jasper was wearing a look of shock. He looked like he was about to talk, but then shut his mouth. Who knew how many cards Emmett would charge for talking.

Alice played a seven of hearts. She remained still as a statue. Emmett nodded and moved on as he played.

He played the king of hearts. Alice went down, and Emmett stood on her belly and sang:

Rubber Ducky, you're the one.

Who makes bath time SO MUCH FUN

RUBBER DUCKY I'M awfully fond...

OF YOU.

I am scarred for life. Or existence. Same difference. Anyway, Emmett had a whole dance to his little song. He was holding the back of his shoulder blades in a big self- hug. There was a rubber ducky on the curve created by his bent arm. He was sort of swaying, almost flirtatiously with the ducky. Just after Emmett sang "awfully fond" he kissed the ducky, picked it up in one of his big mitt-like hands and sang "of you" while pointing at it lovingly. He then stepped off of Alice, poor little crushed Alice. In a moment, he had kissed Jasper on the forehead, patted him on the head, said "Good little bro," and sat back down again.

Jasper was disgusted. He began rubbing his face, and Alice started kissing his forehead to 'make it better'. Then Jasper started screwing Emmett's emotions.

Note to self: Never piss off an empath.

Rosalie just stared at Emmett. When she got out of her stupor, she played a king of spades. She then jumped across the circle, taking me down. In another blink of an eye, she was sitting down again. Emmett nodded happily. Owch.

Edward played like a bunny was right in front of him and he didn't want to run it off. He played the nine of spades, and lightly poked me in the shoulder. Emmett glared. Edward smiled. "I'm sorry, Spedward, but that ain't no tackle, and WHERE IS THE BOWING DOWN TO EMMETT?" Emmett gave Edward two cards, and I played next.

I played the three of spades, and guessed what the rules were. I knocked myself on the chest in a big tackle "AND I'm down," Then, sizing up my courage, I quickly kissed Jasper on the cheek. "Good big brother." I said, patting him on the head. Whoops. Pissed off the empath. I put my hands up in a 'don't hurt me' gesture, and sat back down. "I think I had to," I whispered to him.

Emmett smiled.

Jasper grimaced and played a three of clubs. He sat on his knees, and bowed to Emmett. "Bowing down."

"YOU DO NOT SAY ANYTHING DURING THE SACRED BOW- DOWN RITUAL!" Emmett threw a card at Jasper, which he caught and rolled his eyes.

Things continued on in that manner until I would be black and blue if I was human, Alice was a vampire pedestal three times, Jasper had been kissed all over his face but his lips, thank god, and everyone had bowed down to Emmett until Alice played a red card. Her first since we figured out the kiss- Jasper rule. She kissed Jasper, and we had to break it up before things got rated 'R'.

"Gross. You didn't have to do that. Ew. Ew. EW," He threw two cards at Alice. "My rubber ducky is forever scarred emotionally! A) things can't get that... um... hot in here, and B) you didn't even have to kiss him at all."

Most of us had roughly eleven cards in our hand, but Emmett had only one. He played it, another freakin spade. I put my hands up as if to say time- out. However, Emmett hit my hands in sort or an aerial high five, as he launched himself over me. I crashed to the ground.

"AND I WIN! New rule time!" Emmett thought. Another thing that was never good.

Emmett's Rules of the Game of MAO:

Spades- tackle Bella.

If you are not Alice, when you play a red card you must kiss Jasper.

Red kings and black sixes- you must stand on Alice and sing "Rubber Ducky" song from Sesame Street WITH DANCE.

Every other odd- numbered black card and all even- numbered red cards- Bow down to Mao.

**This was just a crazy idea F8WUZL8 and I had at a sleepover one day and today I decided to pretty it up and post it. What did you think (other than Bella being so OOC I can't recognize her)?**


	2. Round Two

Round 2

ED POV

"Got it," Emmett said. He dealt out the cards and made his little speech on the game of MAO.

I didn't think I want to know what this rule was gonna be. I was just getting that vibe from Emmett.

Emmett turned over a card, and then LICKED me. On my FACE. I wiped it off. "That's sick," I informed him, looking around for some disinfectant

Emmett threw cards at everyone, including me. "NONE OF YOU LICKED EDWARDY SPEDWARD! Love the cards." I didn't want to know what Spedward meant or where it came from. Not wanting to know seemed to be a pattern with Emmett.

I was licked. Licked. Licked like a freaking lollipop. I'd quit the game, but I know that would upset Bella, so I couldn't. I played a six of clubs. I took my anger out by plowing down Alice and singing that dumb song. I ripped the rubber ducky up. I... was pissed.

"YOU DIDN'T LICK YOURSELF, and DUCKKKYYYYY!" Emmett mourned the loss of his rubber friend. "You were my only soulmate." Rosalie glared at him. "In a friendship kinda way?" Rosalie shook her head. "But I actually love Rosalie?" Rosalie fake smiled, then glared at Emmett. "OK fine. I hated you, RD. Happy?"

"Immensely so, Emm- Emm," Rosalie said coyly. Then Emmett caused a distraction by playing a card and everyone lunged at my face.

"EWW EWW EWW EWWW EWWWWWWWWWW," Bella screamed. Oh my god, is she okay? I checked her over for injuries, anything. "No, Edward, I'm fine... I don't even wanna say it." I noted that Jasper was almost crying in a corner while Alice comforted him.

"Oh god, did you two... um... lick my face at the same time in the same place." Bella sobbed and nodded. "Aww," I said, patting her on the back soothingly.

Bella looked like she was about to vomit. "Oh, what, you didn't like it?" Emmett asked. A blonde vampire head, a short black vampire head, Bella's head, and my head snapped up. We tackled him and were about to pull him into peices and into the nearest bonfire when we were stopped by a chiming, sweet voice.

"UNCLE EMMY! NOOOOOOO!" Nessie dashed in and started biting us off of him. "Mommy, Daddy, what were you doing? And Auntie Alli and Uncle Jazz? I LIKE Uncle Emmy! Auntie Rosalie, why didn't you stop them?" My five- year- old looking daughter complained.

"Well," I said, scooping her up, "Uncle Emmy did something not nice during a game we were playing."

"OOH OOH I wanna play!" Nessie said, her long curls shining, chocolate brown eyes begging. I shot a look at Bella.

"Sure," Bella said. Uh-oh.

Nessie ended up winning- because Emmett went easy on her for entering halfway through the game- while I ran to the kitchen for a towel.

"Hey Esme," I called to my mom in the kitchen. "Why all the cooking?"

"Jacob is coming over tonight to babysit Nessie- I mean Renesmee. I thought making him dinner would be nice. Pass on my love to your silly siblings."

I promised I would and left with my towel.

I passed on Esme's love to the family, and a maniac glint appeared in Nessie's eyes. "I have a new rule. Go Uncle Emmy."

Oh, God help us all.

Emmett's Rules of the Game of MAO:

Spades- tackle Bella.

If you are not Alice, when you play a red card you must kiss Jasper.

Red kings and black sixes- you must stand on Alice and sing "Rubber Ducky" song from Sesame Street WITH DANCE.

Every other odd- numbered black card and all even- numbered red cards- Bow down to Mao.  
>When you see (not play, see) a card played, lick Edward.<p>

**Okay, this one's a third of the length of the last one, but there are considerably less rules to be learned. This chapter was also written years ago.**

**xoxo,**

**bekeyboo ;)**


	3. Rounds Three and Four

Round 3

ESMEPOV

I heard shouts and screams from the other room. I listened in as a human would to his favorite television program.

Mainly, it was Emmett torturing my poor family.

"Six of clubs... be right back" Nessie said and ran off toward me. I opened my arms, expecting a hug from my granddaughter.

Then I was on the ground.

And Nessie was gone.

I stormed into the room where all of my children were sitting: Edward, Jasper, Rosalie, and Bella with a look of disgust on their faces, Alice with mild interest, and Emmet and Nessie with a maniac glint in their eyes.

"Emmett, stop polluting the mind of the youngest Cullen with nasty tricks."

"I promise Mom, Bella won't learn anything from me."

"Bella is not the youngest!"

"Technically..."

"Emmett.."

My boy hung his head.

"I'll stop polluting the minds of children... and Nessie..." Emmett mumbled.

I got tackled a few times. A few DOZEN times. Until, finally, Emmett won.

Emmett's Rules of the Game of MAO:

Spades- tackle Bella.

If you are not Alice, when you play a red card you must kiss Jasper.

Red kings and black sixes- you must stand on Alice and sing "Rubber Ducky" song from Sesame Street WITH DANCE.

Every other odd- numbered black card and all even- numbered red cards- Bow down to Mao.  
>When you see (not play, see) a card played, lick Edward.<br>Clubs- tackle Esme in the kitchen.

**Because that chapter is ridiculously short, here's Round 4!**

Round 4

JAS POV

I had a bad feeling about continuing play. These odd vibes were coming off Emmett and Nessie. Malicious ones.

The first card Emmett played was a king of hearts. Alice braced herself to get tackled. And she did, but not after Emmett kissed her full on the mouth. Then he threw her to the ground. And, in her stunned state, she didn't even protest.

And then he came over to me, gave me a kiss on the forehead...again...gross...and sat back down.

Meanwhile, nobody forgot to lick Edward.

Rosalie, striving to avoid conflict, quickly threw down a six of spades. She tackled Bella, then Alice, sang Rubber Ducky, and everybody licked Edward, who was probably still plotting vicious ways to destroy Emmett.

"Good." Emmett said. "It seems as if we are all on the same page, I suppose." He stroked an invisible beard as Edward lay a card down.

It was a heart. Edward leaned over and kissed Bella. You don't even want to know. I wish I didn't know.

Emmett smacked him. Hard. I resisted all the emotions crashing over me from that corner- again, you don't want to know.

Edward sputtered, "But... a... but... you... but... alice... but..."

Emmett threw three cards at Edward. "Epic Fail. Epic, epic fail. You didn't kiss Nessie, EW! and you did not lick yourself. Neither did you, Bella, now that I think about it."

An evil little smile planted itself of Bella's face. "I did, though."

As if on cue, Nessie and Alice fake- vomited. It was hilarious. And quite emotionally scarring. The emotions... ugh.

Emmett frowned. "Keep the card. No expicit content. Honor the memory of my Rubber Ducky..." he let out one, quiet sob.

I felt sympathy radiate out of Bella, and I shook my head forcefully as she reached out to pat Emmett on the back across the circle. His sob ended abruptly as he threw a card at Bella, screeching, "YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT!" with a maniacal cackle added on at the end.

As all this insanity was going on, I was pontificating on the newest rule. If on hearts you had to kiss someone... and Emmett kissed Alice... but Eddie- he shot me an evil look- was wrong in kissing Bella... I get it.

Sadly, I must play a heart.

I played it. Emmett smiled evilly. I screamed to Edward, "I'm sorry." His eyes widened.

I leaned toward Bella and kissed her on the forehead. "I really am sorry, Bella, I had to."

She swallowed hard and Edward pulled her into a side hug, ruffling her hair and giving me the evil eye over her shoulder. I shrugged minutely. I thought, "I had to, Edward."

The circle went all the way back around to Bella, with assorted kisses to random people- thank God Allie had enough sense to sit still, wait till it was over, then be engulfed in a large hug- and I was terrified.

Still hearts.

I could smell the reluctance. She played the card, and, in a move so fast it really, truly didn't exist, kissed me on my head, in my hair.

Emmett won as everyone but Nessie cowered into the arms of their significant other.

I really didn't like where this game was going.

Emmett's Rules of the Game of MAO:

Spades- tackle Bella.

If you are not Alice, when you play a red card you must kiss Jasper.

Red kings and black sixes- you must stand on Alice and sing "Rubber Ducky" song from Sesame Street WITH DANCE.

Every other odd- numbered black card and all even- numbered red cards- Bow down to Mao.  
>When you see (not play, see) a card played, lick Edward.<br>Clubs- tackle Esme in the kitchen.  
>Hearts- kiss the person beside you who you have not married at least once.<br>**  
>So, that's a bit of a double update for you- just because Esme's chapter is really short. Anyway, there's a gaping plothole in Jasper's chapter, but I sort of chose to ignore rather than fix, because I'm lazy. And this is dabbling in drabbling. So.<strong>

**xoxo,  
>bekeyboo ;)<strong>


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